


Liar, Liar,

by gwendee



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Boss/Employee Relationship, Canon Compliant Events, Crack Treated Seriously, Dysfunctional Family, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Gwen why would you do this, M/M, Non-Canon Relationship, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pushing for the KaraHou Agenda
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:34:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27604976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gwendee/pseuds/gwendee
Summary: Dad's on fire,Gakushuu set him ablazeDad's got a crush3-E's all hush-hushAnd he still has to finish his essaysGakushuu juggles his many many responsibilities. His student council work, meddling in his dad's life (by matchmaking him), finding out the secret of class 3-E, collating a nice folder of blackmail information, completing his school assignments...
Relationships: Asano Gakuhou & Asano Gakushuu, Asano Gakuhou/Karasuma Tadaomi
Comments: 206
Kudos: 227





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Guys... listen...  
> Yes I'm back at it again with the KaraHou Agenda.   
> (I was going to type "they deserve it" but Gakuhou doesn't deserve rights.)
> 
> Fun fact: this was supposed to go into the Incomplete Fic Collection! Why isn't it there? Because upon reconsideration I'm not quite ready to let this sit on the shelf yet. Well, that and I had two chapters written and it would be a really long IFC chapter, so I figured I should just publish it anyways to see if my inspiration for this fic picks up HAHA.

**Gakushuu: Oh to see without my eyes**

Gakushuu’s standing in the middle of the drab, dreary office that the principal inhabits like an anemic vampire in their crypt, detailing his very lengthy specific plan to thwart class 3-E’s current leaps in progress - rather delayed in its proceedings, unfortunately, given that 3-E has already (miraculously) won an academic bet against 3-A and are currently packing for their all-expenses-paid, exclusive trip to a resort on Okinawa Islands. Said principal has resting on his face a bored, unimpressed look that has sent many before Gakushuu to tears at the mere idea of disappointing the man himself, but alas, Gakushuu is immune. He’s always been a disappointment, anyways, so he owns it. 

He’s in the middle of his plan, the grand academic structure’s going to impose upon his fellow classmates (minions) to bring them further and beyond their academic prowess, when three loud raps sound against the door and Gakushuu stills, because they’re not expecting visitors. Well, there’s no “do not enter” sign but it’s pretty much an unstated rule that meetings between the student council president and the principal - father and son, whatever floats the rumor mill or runs the boat or as these sayings go - are to be uninterrupted. 

Nobody knows what sort of satanic rituals the inhuman family duo get up to in their private time, of course, an occult summoning in the school ground perhaps, or a depraved torture chamber buried in the midsts of the labyrinth that runs underneath Kunugigaoka’s soil that do not exist? Nobody has emerged from the principal’s office unscathed, with eyes always reflecting a horror they are unable to describe, but why is Gakushuu’s unfortunate surname implicated in the repercussions? That, as far as he’s concerned, is a hundred percent the fault of the Principal himself. 

He digresses. Three knocks sound on the door, Gakushuu pauses in his speech, the door opens. In walks Karasuma Tadaomi, the mysterious homeroom teacher and replacement of Aguri-sensei for the ever-elusive class 3-E, the man supposedly partly responsible for the class’ jump in grades. An interesting man hiding secrets behind secrets behind an indifferent mask of professionalism that mirrors the one the principal often wears. Gakushuu is intrigued.

“About the Okinawa trip,” the man starts, but he pauses at his registration of Gakushuu’s presence, stopping in an awkward point halfway down the room with light still creeping through a crack left in the door. As if sensing the tension that awaits, some divine power from above summons a non-existent breeze that shuts the door with an ominous click. If Karasuma-sensei is present to discuss the Okinawa trip, there is likely to be tidbits of information that Gakushuu would find useful to pick up on for his quest to find out the truth on the mountain.

“Asano,” the principal says faux-pleasantly. It’s a dismissal, and Gakushuu ignores it.

“Don’t mind me, Karasuma-sensei, Principal,” he says with a beam on his face, slipping easily into the cheery student council president role he plays that the student populace seems to eat up. Karasuma-sensei seems mildly bewildered at the switch in character, and his father seems amused as he always is, except now his words are underlined with a current of impatience as he says “What is the matter, Karasuma?”

“Oh, well,” Karasuma-sensei says, Gakushuu’s unyielding stare causing the slightest slip in his professionalism. He may seem as put together as the principal is, but he’s still inferior, and he glances at Gakushuu with a stern stare in what must be a futile attempt at driving him away. Gakushuu smiles just a little wider at risk of looking more like a psychopath and meets his gaze head-on. 

“If this is about the Okinawa trip,” Gakushuu says breezily, inclining his head just for effect, “perhaps I can offer some advice, I’ve been to Okinawa a few times myself and this is the perfect time of the year for snorkelling and hiking. I do want my schoolmates to have a  _ wonderful _ time, of course, they’ve earned it.”

Karasuma-sensei sends the principal a pleading look. The principal, on the other hand, is doing a terrible job at concealing his amusement with his mouth behind his hand which he quickly drops when the attention is turned to him, although his lips stay quirked upwards. He abandons propriety and says in an oddly casual tone for a teachers’ meeting, “he’s not going to leave,” and looks pointedly at Gakushuu. 

Gakushuu smiles back at both of them.

Karasuma-sensei seems to have accepted the fact as well, eye twitching in mild irritation. He steps forward to hand a nondescript brown folder over to the principal which Gakushuu considers trying his hand at nicking later, but he looks at the principal and thinks that despite his best efforts, he would fall short. He evaluates Karasuma-sensei to wager how successful a pickpocket might be but Karasuma-sensei has a strong, military air around him, and Gakushuu knows that muscles can be hidden under suits and cannot be determined solely by one’s stature. His stance is defensive, no doubt by being put out of his comfort zone - not only in the principal’s foreboding office but with Gakushuu’s unwanted presence, and something about him screams trained in martial arts. He’d never had prior incentive to search into the 3-E’s teachers backgrounds but now he wishes he had.

“-the trip,” Karasuma-sensei is saying. Gakushuu should be paying more attention, he’s there to listen in, after all. “The, um, students-”

Tap, tap, tap. What’s that? Gakushuu narrows down on the rhythmically moving object at the principal’s desk, the pen absently tapping at the edge of the table in his father’s hands. It’s not like the principal to fidget, not in any professional setting, at the very least. Gakushuu follows his father’s eyes but he’s just looking passively at Karasuma-sensei, who’s flipping through the folder. 

“Section 4-B,” Karasuma-sensei says, and he looks back up. Gakushuu’s gaze snaps to the principal, who’s now nonchalantly flipping through his own copy of the folder, which was weird, Gakushuu thinks, it’s very unlikely for his father to not review information when he first gets any but wait for a prompt, and the folder itself doesn’t seem too particularly thick anyways, the principal could have glanced through it in a flash instead of spending time evaluating Karasuma-sensei’s reactions. Although amusing, was Gakushuu supposed to be watching him too? Could he have picked up information on 3-E like that? Many experiences from the principal were unknowingly lessons and Gakushuu is used to keeping his eye out for them.

Karasuma-sensei is now blinking back down on his page, mumbling something that even Gakushuu can’t hear, let alone his father from the far end of the table. The principal hasn’t commented on it to throw him off, he hates it when people mumble.

The principal is looking at Karasuma-sensei again… no, he’s flipping through the folder. “Section 5C?” He asks. What are they talking about again? 

Karasuma-sensei is now looking at the principal. “Yes,” he says curtly, and there’s an awkward pause as he fiddles with the cuffs on his shirt sleeve.

Gakushuu quickly looks back at the principal. The pen is tapping idly again. Why is everyone fidgeting so much? Gakushuu gets restless when people get restless. Why are they restless? 

“-the target,” Karasuma-sensei says, glancing surreptitiously at Gakushuu. They were talking in riddles and roundabouts because he was here, to avoid any chances of him picking up on anything. What was so secretive about class 3-E anyways, that he, as the student council president, typically in charge of making sure the needs of every one of his subjects - uh, peers - are fulfilled? He needs to know what they know to know what they want, right? 

“Of course,” the principal is saying. What are they agreeing on? Tap, tap, tap, touch his sleeve, restless energy, creepy atmosphere, oh great, now Karasuma-sensei is touching his tie. Oh, it is getting hot in here, isn’t it? He’s loosening it.

The principal stretches his neck as well and touches his collar. Tap, tap, tap. “Section 3,” Karasuma-sensei says. He sounds uncomfortable, perhaps because it’s so warm in here, which was strange because the principal always kept his office freezing, both to unnerve people and because he was a cold-blooded man that functioned best in his natural habitat. Was he feeling hot, too?

“The budget is a little too tight, isn’t it,” the principal says.

“Tight,” Karasuma-sensei says. His fingers tug at his collar, exposing a little bit more of his neck and the white of his throat. Gakushuu watches the principal mirror that movement, fingers curling at the rim of his collar, and he doesn’t seem like he’s aware of it. Karasuma-sensei tugs again at his sleeve, probably a nervous quirk. 

“I don’t think it’s… tight,” Karasuma-sensei says, voice slightly raspy. Does he need water? God, Gakushuu needs water. It’s so warm in here. “There are many logistics we need to fit into…”

“Fit into…” The principal echoes. Tap, tap, tap, loosen collar, sleeve touch, pen, folder, why aren’t they talking about anything useful? Why is it so fucking warm in here? So much fidgeting, this is so… unprofessional…

“Dismissed,” the principal says, gathering up the papers and stuffing them back into the folder in no particular order, which was even more strange because he should be immediately sorting them or going through them again, he barely glanced over at the words during their entire meeting, constantly staring at… Karasuma-sensei… who’s also holding the papers in what must be a haphazard way from how he walked in with them in neat piles and the impeccable way he’s dressed, tie looser than it should be acceptable with a suit like his. Karasuma-sensei bows stiffly and turns around, and Gakushuu turns to look at the principal-

-who was still staring at Karasuma-sensei,  _ oh my god- _

“I need to g-leave,” Gakushuu chokes out, “go, I need to go,” startling both adults in the room but oh dear heavens Gakushuu needs to get out of this room and give them both space and he doesn’t care how un-council president-like he’s being right now, he cannot be in the same room any longer with them before they start  _ making out on the principal’s desk oh my god- _

He ignores all manners and grace and slams the door hard, rattling it on his hinges as he leaves, but doubling back to make sure it’s firmly shut. Then he practically sprints down the hallway to the general waiting area and grabs a cup to fill it from the water dispenser, and downs it. 

“You okay, honey?” Asks the nice receptionist lady whose somehow managed to stick with the principal’s - his father’s - insane ass from the start of Kunugigaoka’s management until now, whose always had a soft spot for Gakushuu and snuck him sweets when she thought his father wasn’t looking when he came to visit after his own elementary school lessons.

“No,” Gakushuu pants, and he cringes in the direction of the principal’s office. Sayami winces in true solidarity, no doubt missing the real point of Gakushuu’s panic. “There there,” she says, patting his arm like he’s a little kid again, but today Gakushuu lets it happen because he appreciates and needs the comfort. “It’s going to be alright.”

Alright? Gakushuu feels so... flustered... just being in proximity... of those two!  _ What the fuck was that? _

**Gakushuu: It's time to make a dignified, sophisticated, tactical retreat**

**Gakushuu: (Leaps out the window)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Bangs fist on table* KARAHOU KARAHOU KARAHOU  
> Whenever I see Karahou I go O.O

**Gakushuu: I know your secret. It's related to class 3-E. It's related to Karasuma.**

**Gakushuu: You're gay**

**Gakuhou: Well this conversation didn't go the way I expected it to**

Gakushuu feels uncharacteristically nervous but it's a conversation that cannot be avoided even though he really wants to. There are too many factors at play, too many variables that can throw this situation spinning in a drastic direction but Gakushuu's never one to shy away from conflict regardless of its complexity. Especially not conflict with his father, which Gakushuu can begrudgingly admit he's easier to bait into that he would like, which he knows the principal - his father - enjoys more than he lets on. It's their odd way of family bonding, you see, but this form of conflict is nothing like the strategy games they play, the mental chess.

Gakushuu's mother had died when Gakushuu was 4 and till this day - to Gakushuu's knowledge, at the very least - his father had never taken another lover, male or female or otherwise. He'd raised Gakushuu as a single parent which Gakushuu knows and appreciates, it's a harder job than it looks despite his father's seemingly inhuman stamina, and running a school on top of it? He's a terrible dad, Gakushuu knows that, and he probably has a laundry list of trauma caused by the twisted parenting ideologies his father holds so dear to his dark cold heart, but he's always been there for Gakushuu - to insult him and then demand he learn to get up by himself when he's pushed down, but then to watch him and make sure no one else is around to hurt him - and despite everything, even if he sometimes tells Gakushuu he's a failure and even if Gakushuu sometimes wishes he could just push the man over a cliff to get it all over and done with, Gakushuu loves the man. Yeah, his previous therapist thinks he might have some overly complex form of stockholm syndrome and offered to call child protection services for him (Gakushuu already dismissed her), he still loved his dad. And therefore he's willing to have this very difficult conversation with him.

"Can I talk to you?" Gakushuu says at 9pm at night, which is not quite the ideal time for a heart-to-heart but simultaneously a perfect time. He's standing at the doorway of his father's home office, sharing an ominous resemblance to his principal's office in the school which reflects more strongly the concept of their house being a school, solidifying the power dynamic between the both of them. Gakushuu doesn't like it, but he doesn't get much say in it. 

"Sure, Asano," his father says. 

"As your son," Gakushuu says, which then earns more of an interested look from his father who reaches over and turns on the salt lamp - the one addition in his home office that is thankfully absent from school, a nice light fixture that Gakushuu had got him one Christmas because his father was  _ salty  _ all the time, which his father had initially bitched about and called him an ungrateful child but it bathed the room in such a warm, cozy lighting that made Gakushuu feel tons better. 

The distinction between Gakushuu the son and Asano the student wasn't often clarified - it was mostly assumed to be the latter, anyways, with most of their interactions edging onto a cold sort of professionalism, but there were times that Gakushuu didn't need a teacher or a principal, he needed his dad, so when he made the tiniest bit of effort to pull the distinction as his son, he watches a little bit of a parental edge creep into his father's posture, reminiscent of his childhood.

"Of course," his father says, voice just a touch more gentle that any outsider wouldn't be able to tell the difference but Gakushuu can, of course Gakushuu can, and suddenly the task ahead seems ever more daunting. Gakushuu wipes his hands against his pants and sits in front of the desk, which is thankfully smaller than the school office and now bathed in a nice orange from the lamp.

"I wanted to speak about today," Gakushuu says. 

"Losing 3-E's bet?" His father says in a slightly wry tone. 

"No," Gakushuu says. He gulps. "About Karasuma-sensei, actually."

"Oh?" His father pretends to look puzzled, which means he's going to force Gakushuu to initiate the conversation instead of owning up to it. Gakushuu's already expected that, he need to bite the bullet. "What about Karasuma?"

"You know," Gakushuu says, wringing his hands together. “Even though we antagonize each other and I’m still going to make you my future corporate slave-” his father huffs out a laugh at that “-I still do want you to be happy,” and Gakushuu softens a little. “We don’t really talk about Mom, but she’s been gone a long time, and… I just want you to know I’ll support you, if you choose to pursue any romantic or sexual relationship, sexual orientation aside.” And because it’s being too sappy he tacks on “and if I don’t like your choice in partner, it wouldn’t take me too long to run them out onto the streets, anyways.”

“Thank you, I suppose,” his father says, looking bewildered, “but where is this coming from?”

“Where is this- what- you don’t have to pretend,” Gakushuu says, now slightly annoyed. He’s calling his father out to his face and the man is still denying it. “You and Karasuma-sensei, of course,” he says, and holds a hand up when his father opens his mouth to speak. “You don’t have to deny it, it’s irrefutable. I was present in the same room and the sexual tension was suffocating. I understand, it’s hard to hide such passion - even though I would appreciate it if you two didn’t exchange such fervent looks the next time I’m in the room-”

“I think you’re perhaps mistaken about something,” his father chokes out, sounding suspiciously flustered. “Karasuma and I have never - or will never be - involved in any… romantic or sexual relationship.”

Gakushuu opens his mouth, closes it, eyes his father in distrust. Gakuhou stares back, eye twitching, assessing Gakushuu the same way he’s assessing him. Tap, tap, tap. Gakushuu is undoubtedly an expert at reading his father’s little nuances and he thinks, rather horrifyingly, that his father is telling the truth. He’s always been an expert at lying and the art of human manipulation, but having sincere heart-to-hearts with his son was where his father was at his weakest.

“...Really?” Gakushuu says, skeptically.

“Yes,” Gakuhou sighs. “I don’t know what gave you that idea…” His gaze flicks to Gakushuu again, and then back down at his desk rather awkwardly.

Gakushuu’s in this far down the rabbit hole and whatever happened in the principal’s office certainly was  _ something _ , so he pressed on. “But you’re interested in him, Karasuma-sensei,” Gakushuu says. “You think he’s hot.”

“Gakushuu,” his father chokes, “this is very - highly inappropriate-”

“You were staring at his ass.”

His father explodes, “Gakushuu Asano!” And Gakushuu has his answer.

“Yep, right,” Gakushuu says, and he hops out of his seat without a proper dismissal for the second time that day, flashing the man an infuriatingly bright grin and practically skips out of the office. 

So his father and the mysterious Karasuma-sensei weren’t involved in any form of non-professional relationship  _ yet _ but Gakushuu would bet his inheritance that his father is interested - or at least entertained the possibility - and from Karasuma-sensei’s odd reactions and the simply palpable tension between them, he’d wager a bet that his father’s… lust? Was not reciprocated.

Gakushuu’s neither straight nor blind and he has enough sense to acknowledge that both men are physically attractive even for their ages, and a quick search in Kunugigaoka’s systems puts Karasuma-sensei at least 10 years younger than his father, but that didn’t seem to deter the man back in the office. 

With the man’s full name, Gakushuu does a customary background search and raises his eyebrow at the results - Karasuma Tadaomi, Air Force Instructor at the Japan Ministry of Defense. It’s an odd resume from which to make a jump to teaching but Gakushuu doesn’t judge, his father is not a man one would expect to be a school principal after all, and from what he remembers Aguri-sensei was also working in a biological laboratory and Kuhiko-sensei had once been a sous-chef in a Michelin one star restaurant, That, Gakushuu realizes with glee, oddly fitting. His father himself is an outstanding man with many specializations under his belt so it would make sense for him to be attracted to someone as multi-talented as he is, and to top it all off both men were certified pilots which, an unorthodox area of interest for two people meeting in a middle school but hey, Gakushuu could work with it.

The man himself has a scarce social media presence but he seems to be single, which is ideal. If he wasn’t, well, Gakushuu’s _that_ not overly invested in pursuing his father’s happiness for him. Gakushuu briefly considers reaching out to Karasuma-sensei himself but the man seems to share many traits with his father from what Gakushuu has observed, a no-nonsense attitude and a stick up his ass, and possibly still in denial about his attraction like his father was. An ill-timed approach would simply cause the man to shut down and be too cautious in his meetings with his father, but there was no way for Gakushuu to learn more about the man and prod him in the right direction for a whirlwind office romance, unless…

It seems that Gakushuu would have to deal with him the same way he deals with stuffy old office men. Trap them within the societal conventions of polite conversation.

Gakushuu thinks. In his haste he’d forgotten one of his true goals of pursuing the union which was to find out the secrets of class 3-E. No doubt the secrecy of the teachers’ backgrounds - he’d searched up on their homeroom teacher by the name of Koro-sensei before and it had proved to be as futile - were linked to whatever strange activity was happening up the mountain. Gakushuu feels a grin spread across his face - this was double the incentive. 

Koro-sensei himself was unreachable. Gakushuu had tried tracking him down for interrogations but the man had always seemed too fast, too swift, dancing out of Gakushuu’s reach. Gakushuu had given up in frustration then, and so Karasuma-sensei was the next best bet.

Maybe he can even score a date for his dear old dad while he’s at it.

**Gakuhou: you're scheming**

**Gakushuu: why do you always think I am?**

**Gakuhou:**

**Gakushuu: I mean, yeah I am**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why Karahou is a good ship:  
> 1\. Same brand of "I have no emotion" type idiot  
> 2\. Both (presumingly) can fly planes (So instead of saying the ship has sailed, we have to say the flight has taken off)  
> 3\. Can probably kick the shit out of each other and have fun doing it (Gakushuu does not want to be in the room)  
> 4\. Formal wear for every occasion (at least they match?)  
> 5\. Likes kids?? Maybe???   
> 6\. Looks like they'll both vibe with minimalist-modern aesthetics  
> 7\. those are stupid reasons, this is a crack ship i literally can't think of any more HAHA


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes... A new chapter...  
> No real Karahou action yet, this is just more of Gakushuu fucking around

**If you read["Not-Date](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21478744)" (my first Karahou Fic), this is the exact same scene except without Irina**

“Karasuma-sensei!”

Gakushuu skids to a stop in front of a very shocked Karasuma-sensei, who - one hand on the door of his car - seems to be considering pretending he never heard Gakushuu and just booking it. 

But Gakushuu knows people like this (his father is one of them) - the kind of men who thought that casual wear was a suit and tie, who bought candles only online and with their teenage son’s name because they didn’t want the United States Bath and Body Works warehouse shipment personnel to think that they enjoyed scents like cinnamon spice and vanilla bean, who knew how to weasel their way out of a conversation as soon as possible. Gakushuu needed to put his plan into motion and fast - to ensnare him in the pitfalls of societal convention.

“Hello,” Gakushuu says, with a beaming smile, “it’s nice to see you again, Karasuma-sensei. I was hoping to catch you since we didn’t manage to finish our last conversation.”

“A-ah, yes, Asano,” Karasuma-sensei says, “I-”

He would probably interject with an excuse of needing somewhere to be, so Gakushuu quickly lifts a hand to shake. It interrupts Karasuma-sensei’s train of thought, his excuse spluttering to a halt. 

A handshake at the tail end of a long conversation implies a secured deal, and a continued partnership. A handshake at the beginning of a meeting is a greeting, and an invitation to a longer talk. In the beginning of civilization and the origin of things, handshakes were meant to denote that you weren’t armed - you had nothing up your sleeves, for any weapon would dislodge with vigorous handshaking. The point was, shaking someone’s hand was a way of saying, I am making time for you, and immediately departing from their presence was  _ impolite _ . 

Karasuma-sensei stares at Gakushuu. Gakushuu smiles back, hand still out expectantly.

Karasuma-sensei looks mournfully at his car door (a few inches away from escape), before he shifts his files from his right hand to his left and shakes Gakushuu’s hand. Perfect.

Karasuma-sensei’s hand has many calluses, feeling far more like a fighter’s hand than a scholars. Gakushuu has such calluses from his martial arts training, and he knows his father does as well, too. He briefly wonders who would win in a fight - Karasuma-sensei or his father, and then he immediately tries to purge his mind from the thought.

“I apologize for my hasty leave the other day, I was feeling unwell. It must have been something I had for lunch.” Gakushuu laughs a little, and Karasuma-sensei gives him a little strained, confused smile. Gakushuu needs to jump quickly to the point.

“I tracked you down because I have something to give to you, you see,” Gakushuu says, and pulls out from his pocket a thin black card with gold embossing. He shows it to Karasuma-sensei but makes no move to offer it, trapping him in the conversation twice over. Karasuma-sensei can’t dismiss himself prematurely as Gakushuu has presented the endgame of the conversation. 

“The Okinawa trip,” Gakushuu prompts, and watches as Karasuma-sensei’s expression grows more curious. “I have a gift, for 3-E. A gesture of my goodwill. I’m familiar with the many amenities at Okinawa, you see, having been there several times myself. I would like for 3-E to enjoy their time there as well. I’m a current member of the Miyazaki chain and I’m aware they have a stunning hotel up in Okinawa, so I’d like to loan 3-E my card for the trip. The standard bookings give access to many facilities, but the VIP card opens up a whole lot more.”

Karasuma-sensei regards him with suspicion. “We won’t be staying at the Miyazaki hotel. We will be at the Oki resort.”

Ah, Gakushuu figures. It’s a much more affordable place, the Oki resort, with ample access to the beachfront. He can’t imagine the 3-E students in an environment as posh as Miyazaki, if he was being honest. And he recognizes Karasuma-sensei’s attempt for escape as what it was.

“Well, the offer still stands, you know,” Gakushuu says, smiling again with teeth, “the Oki resort is a wonderful place, I’ve also been, but there isn’t quite as much to do there, I’m afraid, especially not if the weather doesn’t permit. Miyazaki is a short walk away and you can always swing by. The card will permit access to a party of any size, and rest assured I’ll call ahead and inform the reception that it’s in your safe hands.”

Karasuma-sensei’s jaw tenses. “That’s very nice, Asano…” His eye twitches, and he surveys Gakushuu again, looking for some form of ulterior motive. Gakushuu can’t exactly fault him for suspicion, especially not with the track record he possesses with Main Campus’ behaviour towards 3-E. Luckily, Gakushuu is prepared for this conversation topic.

Gakushuu enacts step… whatever number it was. It’s time to guilt trip Karasuma-sensei. Gakushuu sighs like he’s trying not to sigh, and looks way like he’s trying not to look away, and then looks back at Karasuma-sensei. He lets his shoulders fall a bit, and fiddles with the card. “I can’t say I don’t understand your suspicions, my classmates have not been very nice to 3-E at all, with that bet they’ve made with this exam…” He says his classmates explicitly to exclude himself from the equation. 

Karasuma-sensei looks panicked, like he knows exactly what Gakushuu is trying to do but is helpless to stop it. “I-”

First things first: it’s going to be near impossible to convince Karasuma-sensei that he genuinely cares for 3-E. However, it was far more believable to convey the message that whilst Gakushuu cares about his grades, he has his own personal principles such that he does not hate 3-E at all. Which is not far from the truth, he supposes. “I won’t deny that 3-E and I are academic rivals, having come first place and all. But I am as much of an academic rival as with my own class, you know, we’re all competing for the same top rankings as well, and it’s not as if I’m harbouring judgement for people working towards the same goal as I am, that would be rather hypocritical of me, wouldn’t it?”

Karasuma-sensei’s mouth opens, then closes again.

“I know we’ve never worked together but you seem like a wonderful teacher, Karasuma-sensei, looking out for your class like that,” Gakushuu says. “I want to assure you I mean no ill will by this gesture. I am student council president after all, as I’ve said, I oversee the wellbeing of every student in Kunugigaoka. Ranks and class notwithstanding, they’re still my schoolmates, and as a leader I have responsibility over everyone. They have won this bet fairly, and so it is my responsibility to see to their reward with fairness as well - it’s what I would do for any class that goes to Okinawa, if we scrimp on this competition once just because of who the victor is, then the integrity of the system is compromised.” Karasuma is a ranked officer in the military, this should be a concept he understands. Gakushuu makes sure to echo his father as well,  _ the integrity of the system is compromised _ , to add a little bit of zest to his argument. Gakuhou sticks adamantly to his principles, Karasuma-sensei would know that, and so with this he would expect Gakushuu to follow suit as well.

It adds credibility - or at least realism - to his argument. “I see,” Karasuma-sensei says, head tilted to the side. He’s looking at Gakushuu now like Gakushuu is, well, a person he’s speaking to instead of an obstacle he can’t wait to get rid of. 

“Besides,” Gakushuu says, “I already deposited credits in the card because I thought that my class would be embarking on the trip. They’ll just expire if they’re not used by the month. If 3-E spends it on the trip, I can claim it from the treasury fund as part of the student welfare expenses. Don’t, ah, tell the Principal.” And then he lifts his finger to his lips, and Karasuma looks a tad amused.

Hook, line, sinker.

Gakushuu lifts the card between his fingers, and flips it over. Karasuma-sensei takes it.

“Well, then I’ll thank you for this on behalf of 3-E,” Karasuma-sensei says. “I’ll ensure that it’s in safe hands.”

“Well, just don’t spend the money at a casino,” Gakushuu jokes, “I’m a minor, after all, and this card is still registered to my name.”

Registered to his name, which means whatever transactions made or facilities accessed with the card will be logged to his account, so he can view the activity history. Well, he doesn’t need to tell Karasuma-sensei  _ that _ particular tidbit of information.

**Yall don't take any of this seriously HAHA I am. A recluse. I do not Interact In Real Life with Real People. If this all sounds like I'm pulling it out of my ass it is because. I am. (Quote me writing about politics and the human condition but I have never voted (neither eligible nor american) or felt a single Emotion)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter presents: even more of Gakushuu fucking around
> 
> Karasuma: You know, Asano is not so bad  
> Nakamura: Sensei do you need to sit down  
> Karasuma: I meant the younger one  
> Sugino: I can't tell if that's more or less suspicious  
> Yoshida: I think he has heatstroke


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up in Gakushuu's emotional rollercoaster of matchmaking hell:  
> 3-E is not in Okinawa, Yet

**The moral of the story is Gakushuu don't even try. Just don't You can't out-talk Irina Jelavic.**

The other 3-E teacher, the newly hired languages teacher Miss Irina Jelavic, whose last name seems to lead to an Eastern European origin. A quick google search divulges even less information that Karasuma-sensei’s had, which was highly unusual especially given that Jelavic-sensei’s profile seemed like she would hold at least two active social media accounts. She was rather young for a teacher as well, her age recorded at 20, although she carried herself with far more and less maturity at the same time. 

Gakushuu had never tried to talk to her personally before although he’d seen her come down to the main campus on the occasional school wide assembly. She seemed like a fair, sophisticated woman, dressed far more scant than Gakushuu thought was appropriate for a middle school teacher but wore high price tags. A woman, Gakushuu thought, he could see at a high function event or cocktail reception, so what she was doing at a school such as Kunugigaoka Middle was strange, but Gakushuu was going to find out. 

To: ijelavic@kunugigaokastaff

Dear Miss Jelavic,

I hope this email reaches you well. I am Gakushuu Asano, the current council president of the 7th student committee. 

I currently have some school material on hand for the students of class 3-E, but I was unable to reach them before the term break for the holidays. It is quite an urgent notice that would require their perusal through the break. I was wondering if it would be convenient to drop by to pass you the material, so it can be distributed during the class trip? 

Best, Asano

To: gakushuuasano@kunugigaoka

It’s nice to hear from you, student council president Asano. I will be attending to matters at (location pin) from 1000 to 1700 for the next two days before 3-E sets off on the trip. Do drop by!

Irina

Hm. A cafe. 

Gakushuu is not necessarily lying about the school material. It is an all-encompassing revision packet for the main campus students to revise over the break, as well as a curated set of prospective high schools and scholarship information for the graduating students. It’s deliberate that 3-E wouldn’t receive the handouts, but Gakushuu figures that it was no harm giving it to them. Besides, for all that they were terrible scorers at Kunugigaoka, being in the bottom class of an elite school still put them at the national top - or at least above average. They probably won’t make it into most of the schools in the brochures with their grades… but one or two of the lower-end high-tier schools might close an eye.

So he arms himself with brochures and heads down to the cafe, which is a hipster hole-in-the-wall that even Gakushuu hasn’t heard off before, He’d messaged Ren about it - Ren, who has been to practically every cafe in existence and knows two people working there, had texted back, “woah, never been to this place. How did you find it? Let’s check it out!”

He spies Jelavic-sensei the moment he walks into the door. She’s tucked into a corner booth by a windowsill but somehow the most eye-catching thing in the room - modern american fashion standing out against the combobulation of Japanese schoolchildren and office workers, whose large hoop earrings catch the light whenever she turns her head. Every so often the staff and the fellow patrons would turn over to glance at her as she taps away at her laptop, no doubt hoping she’d be the star in their 50k slow burn cafe meet-cute.

(Gakushuu will deny it to high heaven and he’s religiously scrubbed every corner of the internet for a smidgen of a trace of his online profiles, but confused bisexual Gakushuu Asano aged eleven and a half who was definitely not going to his father and turned to the internet for help (on hindsight, maybe he should have done so instead since Gakuhou clearly showed interest in, ahem, that arena) had perhaps fallen down too many rabbit holes. It’s perhaps the reason his English improved by leaps and bounds that year, but also he’ll never get back the years he loses off his lifespan whenever his biology teacher writes the blood groups on their blackboard so really, was it worth it?)

Irina glances up at the ringing bell above the door, meets his eyes, and smiles. Everybody in the cafe looks at Gakushuu.

“Miss Jelavic,” Gakushuu says. 

“You brought the material,” Jelavic-sensei says. “Thank you for that, you can leave it on the table. Have you tried the deserts here? They are lovely.”

Gakushuu tries not to look overly eager at that, because she’d set it up nicely for him. He wants to interrogate her about Karasuma-sensei and 3-E and to do that, they need to somehow pick up a conversation. Dropping off the material didn’t make for prolonged contact time and Gakushuu’s original plan was to ask about her plans for Okinawa, but she’s invited him to stay for a conversation all by herself. 

“What would you recommend?” Gakushuu says. 

He ends up getting a scone and a coffee, and slides into the seat across her. 

Jelavic-sensei looks up from her work, and tilts her head. “How does it taste?”

“Pretty good,” Gakushuu says. It is. He’ll recommend it to Ren. “So how have the plans for Okinawa been coming along?”

“Oh, they’re alright,” Jelavic-sensei says. “I have a bit more packing to do, but I’m not handling the activity planning for the trip. I’ll leave that up to Karasuma.”

“Oh?” Gakushuu says. “I hear the weather is nice this time of the year. There’s probably many beachfront activities to do at the Okinawa resort.”

“Ah, yes,” Jelavic-sensei says. “But if there isn’t, Miyazaki is just a short walk away, right?”

Gakushuu freezes for a brief second but quickly recovers. She caught him off guard with that statement a little… but no doubt Karasuma-sensei will discuss school plans with his colleague, despite what she says about her planning involvement.

“A-ah, well,” Gakushuu says, smiling. “Yes. I’ve passed on my membership card to Karasuma-sensei. Feel free to make use of it.”

“Thank you for that, but it won’t be a big concern,” Jelavic-senseis says breezily. “I have my own VIP card, after all.” 

Gakushuu falters, again. If that’s true, that means she knows about the, ah, record tracking capabilities - from the twinkle in her eyes, it seems that’s certainly the case. Ah, busted.

“W-well,” Gakushuu straightens up, “I still wouldn’t mind if you used my card, after all, I do have a credit balance-”

“And thank you for that again, I understand it must be very much of a hassle to call ahead and make arrangements so they’ll recognize Karasuma as a card holder,” she says. “There is a simpler way, you know, where you can just register an account under his name and transfer the credits over... “

But this would mean that the card holder is Karasuma-sensei, so Gakushuu couldn’t spy on them. And Jelavic-sensei looks like she understands that very well.

Jelavic-sensei stares at him.

‘...but it probably just slipped your mind,” she says, grinning.

“A-ah,” Gakushuu says. “I’ll remember that the next time.” The smile he gives her feels shaky. He takes a quiet sip of his coffee.

“Delectable, isn’t it?” Jelavic-sensei says, bringing her own cup to her lips.

“It’s very nice,” Gakushuu says lamely. 

“And it is very nice of you to have brought this school material over,” Jelavic-sensei says, and she delicately plucks out one brochure and flips through it. “Information for graduating students? Ah, the students should read through this quickly to get their preparations going. How considerate of you to deliver it to them, although…” She looks him up and down, and Gakushuu feels, for the first time in a long time, lost during a conversation.

“...how funny it is that they’re making you do the mud work, running sound delivering this! I would assume they would simply pass it through me or Karasuma-sensei, after all,” she flips over a flyer, “this was dated two weeks ago... Surely there was enough time to hand it over before school break.”

“It must have been an oversight,” Gakushuu says quickly. “3-E is in an inconvenient location, the staff must have thought of sending it up and set it aside, but forgot about it.”

“Ah, true, I suppose that’s hardly your fault,” she murmurs. “I’ve been here for barely a few months and I never had the chance to work on the Main Campus before 3-E. With so many more classes to manage, it does seem  _ very  _ busy.”

She doesn’t mean that at all. That’s an insult. Gakushuu doesn’t have anything to say to that, because she’s right.

She looks through the rest of the materials in the folder in relative silence, humming and ah-ing as she goes, and Gakushuu awkwardly picks at his scone. 

Then she sets it down and turns her attention to Gakushuu again. “This is very comprehensive! Did the council put this together?”

Jelavic-sensei is playing with him. She’s… well, there’s no way for Gakushuu to put it other than she’s come with receipts and she’s overturned Gakushuu’s previous trump over Karasuma-sensei.

“Yes,” Gakushuu smiles. “It’s not just our effort alone, we normally compile our alumni’s records to look at the schools they’ve applied to, and we’ll collate the teachers’ feedbacks for more comprehensive analyses.”

“I see,” she says. “Although it’s more customary for students to advance straight up to Kunugigaoka High, yes?”

“Typically so, but we do not restrict their prospects or tie them up by any obligation,” Gakushuu says. 

“How about you?” She asks. “Will you advance to Kunugigaoka High?”

“Naturally,” Gakushuu says. Everyone asks this question, and he always has the same answer. He’s practiced, poised, confident. “The principal-”

And then he swallows his words, because for some reason he feels like he’s abruptly put his foot into his mouth. Across him, Jelavic-sensei is grinning.

“The Principal?” She prompts. “Your father, right?”

“Yes,” Gakushuu says, smiling strained. “You’ve met him. I hear we look alike.”

“Look alike, very much so,” she murmurs. “Interests, too.”

“Interests?”

“Both of you share such a fascination with my class,” Jelavic-sensei says. She grins, all sharp teeth. “For whatever reason, may I ask? I understand 3-E’s circumstances are unique, but we still have our personal privacy to maintain, you know?-” Yep, shit, she definitely knows about the card tracking.

“-I hope I’m not jumping to too many conclusions, student council president, but I can’t help but have observed a rather… antagonistic approach towards my 3-E, here. I understand that as student council president, you overlook the welfare of all the students and want 3-E to have the best experiences in Okinawa, but surely that would be more relevant in student life and academic matters? I’m happy the bet turned in 3-E’s favor - and congratulations on the top score, as well - but the fact that such a competition took place in the first place.”

She pins him with a stare. “Student Council President Gakushuu Asano, don’t you think your priorities are a little bit skewed, if you claim that you are simply trying to look out for them?”

Gakushuu swallows.

Jelavic-sensei sits back, and takes a self-assured sip of her coffee.

Gakushuu… yep. There’s no other way around it. Agenda 1, find out more about 3-E, is shredded to bits. It’s gone. Nil, Zilch, Nada. He doesn’t even have to bother checking the records for the membership card as well. 

Now, if Gakushuu was a lesser man, if he had been not under his father’s tutelage, this is where he would give up. Turn tail and run, fold his hand.

However, Gakushuu is determined. Persistent. He’s an Asano. He has decided that Jelavic-sensei is a very very scary adversary and, on the flip side, she can be a very very wonderful ally.

“I’m afraid you’re mistaken,” he says. Gakushuu is going to sidestep Kunugigaoka’s philosophies entirely, it’s a losing battle. “My interest in 3-E extends far beyond that.”

“Oh?” Jelavic-sensei sounds unconcerned. Understandable, she did just shred Gakushuu’s brain apart.

This is a lesson for both of them. Gakushuu underestimated his opponent, and she too will learn not to underestimate him.

“Indeed,” Gakushuu nods. “The real reason is because I think the Principal - my father - and Karasuma-sensei are romantically involved in a relationship.”

Jelavic-sensei chokes on her coffee.

Yep, Gakushuu thinks. That was his reaction too.

**The mental gymnastics I had to go through to even write this chapter**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Karasuma: Why are you staring at me  
> Irina: It's not broken... is it?  
> Karasuma: What is?  
> Irina: My gaydar  
> Karasuma: I won't even ask what that is


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: procrastinating Everything, including fic writing
> 
> AHAH it looks like Gakushuu caught everyone off guard by spilling the beans so early in the last chapter.  
> Well, the real reason is honestly because I feel bad for Irina, the poor girl AHHA. It seems like her attachment to Karasuma solidifies (or at the very least they're made apparent) in the Okinawa arc. I figured we should cut off the strings of infatuation as soon as possible so we have a scheming accomplice instead of a heartbroken love rival... or something.

**Irina: what the fuck**

“He’s so gay.”

“How’d you figure?” Gakushuu's not sure how he ended up like this, doing his homework while on a phone call with Jelavic-sensei. After dropping the metaphorical bomb ("the Principal and Karasuma-sensei are romantically involved in a relationship!") she'd practically latched on to him, babbling on about "it all making sense", squares, "even the damn octopus isn't immune to my charms, how dare he be," which, what?

Gakushuu does not want to know a single bit about Jelavic-sensei's... adventures with... seafood...

And, well, she'd crossed her arms and said, "don't worry kiddo, I'll find out if that square of a man is gay."

Gakushuu had squinted. "How are you going to do that?"

She had raised an eyebrow at him, then gestured grandly to her chest, and is Gakushuu endorsing having one teacher sexually harrass another for the sake of decoding their sexuality? No, he's not. Besides, if Karasuma-sensei is going to be his future step-father, he's going to want to stay in the man's good graces (so he can pressure Dad 2 to say yes whenever Dad 1 says no) and he doubts the man is going to agree to anything Gakushuu says if he finds out Gakushuu is sending trouble his way. He says that much to Jelavic-sensei, who had laughed, patted his head like he was a child, and said that she would handle it subtly.

Gakushuu regrets everything he's ever done to bring him into this situation. He should have just left the office all the way back then. He shouldn't have stuck his nose into his father's business. He should have just left, and lived his life in blissful ignorance.

“I was all up in his face with my girls.”

“Your… sorry, your girls?”

“Yeah, my-” There’s a loud crash in the background, and Gakushuu winces, turning the volume for his earphones down. He hears a “oopsie, give me a moment dear,” from Jelavic-sensei, before she just starts shrieking.

“KEEP IT DOWN, YOU BRATS! I’M ON THE FU- PHONE!”

There are more crashes, and then he hears a tinny background voice calling back, “Sorry, Bitch-sensei!”

Oh, wow, Gakushuu thought she was exaggerating when Jelavic-sensei told him about the… unsavory nickname. I n the few interactions he’d had with her he had to… well, Gakushuu say he wouldn’t agree with the nickname, exactly. But he didn’t... wholly disagree either. Beneath her conniving nature and her sharp tongue, once they’d established herself as allies (a very loose sense of the term), she’d all but let down her hair and showed a side of herself that was far more casual, callous, um… more fitting for the profile of a twenty year old young lady that Gakushuu had initially imagined.

But, she was still a teacher, right? And their senior in age. Surely the 3-E kids would respect authority a little more.

Also, he’s regretting handing over his Miyazaki credit card to them now. They better not cause property damage while being tied to his name.

“Where was I?” Jelavic’s voice comes again over the call. 

“You, um, figuring out Karasuma-sensei was gay.”

“Ah, yes. I spent the whole day in my bikini-” oh, ah, her  _ girls _ , right, “-and he barely even glanced at me! Ugh! And I know I look good, okay, I have to look good, these are my best assets! Nobody who is attracted to women has ever shown immunity against me. Nobody! That’s literally my job?’

Her… job?

“My old job, I mean,” Jelavic-sensei says breezily.

“You were…” Gakushuu cringes a little, running through a list of everything Ren’s ever said to him. “...a model?”

“Yeah, yeah I was,” Jelavic-sensei says, sounding suspiciously like she’s laughing. 

“Sorry it didn’t work out for you,” Gakushuu offers, because he’s not sure what to say. 

“Nah, it’s cool. I’m a little offended, but how can I hold it against him if he already has someone in mind?” And then she giggles, and the reminder of why they’re in contact in the first place makes Gakushuu smile as well. How ludicrous it must have been, for Gakushuu to start from the beginning as a revenge plot against his father and 3-E, now culminating into a turn of events to set his father up and allying with the staff of 3-E to do so.

“Uh-huh,” Gakushuu says absently.

Jelavic-sensei continues to prattle on. “Like, it’s definitely because he’s gay and not because I’ve lost my hotness. I know I’m hot. Even if he wasn’t staring at me, the rest of the hotel staff was. I haven't lost my hotness, right? One blonde to another, you think I’m hot, right?”

“HUh? Oh, yeah, sure, you’re pretty attractive,” Gakushuu says. And then he looks up from his work to stretch a little, and mid-stretch he turns his head and sees his father at his room door, expression as emotionless as can be, staring straight at him.

“Aww, honey, you sure know how to make a girl blush!” Jelavic-sensei says, through the earphones right into his ear.

“Who is that on the phone?” Says The Principal, Gakuhou, Dad, in the flattest voice Gakushuu has ever heard him use.

Gakushuu doesn’t reply. He thanks God or Gods (singular or multiple depending on religion or presence of more than one religion), his mother, Ikeda, whoever is watching over him, that he has his earphones plugged in and he hadn’t decided to just turn on the speaker for this call.

And then he prays to God or Gods, his mother, Ikeda, et cetera, for whatever is about to happen.

(Iif the afterlife existed and Ikeda  _ wasn’t _ watching over him every single moment to make sure that Gakushuu stays alive in the world that he created, Gakushuu was going to die and then push him off the afterlife bridge). 

“Wait,” Jelavic-sensei says, no doubt having heard Gakuhou’s voice, suddenly sounding way too gleeful, “is that-”

Gakushuu wordlessly presses the end-call button.

“None of your business,” Gakushuu says. He clears all his call logs and data history, and then shoves it down his shirt.

The look Gakuhou graces him is wholly unimpressed.

Three.. Two…

“Do you have a girlfriend?!” Gakuhou explodes across the room. Gakushuu shrieks, kicking over his chair and launching it at his dad. Unfortunately for Gakuhou, neither of them are below actual physical sparring to get what they want, although because Gakuhou is 1. Sadly, stronger and 2. A fully grown man, he mostly ends up winning. That doesn’t stop Gakushuu from trying.

None of those spars, however, (mostly delegated to their gym room), have ever led Gakushuu to shoving his foot in his dad’s face as Gakuhou tries to wrestle a phone from him.

“I! Don’t! Have! A! Girlfriend!” Gakushuu shrieks. “I’m allowed to! Compliment my normal friends!”

“Who were you saying it to, then?! Sakakibara? You don’t need to compliment that boy, he does it plenty himself in the mirror!”

“You still have to positively affirm people because! Everybody! Requires! External! Validation! Not that you would know that!”

“Me letting you live under my roof should be enough external validation for your ungrateful- Aha!”

Gakuhou grabs the phone, because he’s 1. Stronger and 2. Has longer arms. Gakushuu never told him his password, but he’s already tapping at his phone like he knows it- ding! Ah shit, he does. The chat logs are gone but he’d find Jelavic-sensei and Karasuma-sensei’s contacts in his phone, which he would have no reason to have otherwise, thus blowing his cover.

Quick, Gakushuu, think.

“I am dating someone!” Gakushuu blurts. 

Gakuhou freezes. He slowly looks up from the phone to stare at Gakushuu like he didn’t expect Gakushuu to actually come forward and admit it, looking so hilariously like a deer in headlights that Gakushuu wishes he had his phone to capture this momentous occasion. 

Also, is the prospect of him dating someone so surprising? Plenty of his schoolmates have already started (and ended, and restarted) relationships. Well, Gakushuu is his own son, after all, it makes sense Gakuhou is blindsided for never having found out... (until now, if it was real!) Especially with the schedule he keeps, Gakushuu muses, packed back-to-back with so many extracurriculars it'd be a miracle to squeeze romance in - he'd have to pencil it in in his lunch break on Fridays at 1 o'clock.

“Yes,” Gakushuu says, lifting his head. “But you have to guess who it is. If you look in my phone for the answer, you’re admitting defeat.”

Gakuhou’s confused expression briefly sparks with competitiveness. Yes, good.

“You get only one guess,” Gakushuu says, grinning at the narrowed eyes he gets. “That’s right, just one. You get it wrong, and the only way you’re finding out is through wedding invitations.”

Gakuhou raises an eyebrow.

“...or if we break up, I guess, we’re fifteen,” Gakushuu mumbles.

Gakuhou seems to deliberate over this for a few seconds, before he lobs the phone back to Gakushuu. The screen is open to Gakushuu’s empty call logs, so evidently Gakuhou hadn’t made it as far as to check for the saved contacts yet. Phew.

Wait, what did Gakushuu just say?

“Fine,” Gakuhou says, straightening up with fire in his eyes, and oh no, oh dear, he’s going to run around in circles and drive himself insane with this, isn’t it? And when he finds nothing of substance (because Gakushuu’s not dating anyone!!) He’s going to put Ren and the other virtuosos through the wringer. Because Gakuhou is stupid and stubborn and he thinks he can solve any puzzle and never backs down from a challenge and somehow Karasuma-sensei is in to this???

His father stalks out of the room, seemingly to start on his brand new project, aka meddling in Gakushuu’s life the same way that Gakushuu is meddling in his. 

Gakushuu can't help but feel like this is, well, karma.

**[A fake dating au when you're not even dating anyone]**

**Gakushuu, logging back on to tumblr for the first time in 3 years: the sacred texts**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me somehow dissolving into pure crack and cramming in every single fanfic trope


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, my friends... I have returned

**Irina: I need to know if my gaydar is broken**

**Gakushuu: I'm sure it's working fine**

**Irina: are YOU gay???**

**Gakushuu: I'm not answering that question**

And after all the work he’s put in, Gakushuu learns nothing of the Okinawa trip. Zero. Zilch. Nada.

Well, he gets confirmation that Karasuma-sensei is not interested in women, which is something. But it’s irrelevant information, as far as Gakushuu is concerned, because it’s not like Gakushuu would begrudge the man for looking, anyways, (Jelavic-sensei was very, ahem, well-endowed, even Gakushuu looked. Respectfully, for like half a second.) Knowing that Karasuma-sensei was not interested in women contributed nothing to his information pile. It’s like knowing that a plate was red, and someone came up and told you it was not blue. Yes, he gets that.

Oh, well. Thank you, Jelavic-sensei. At least he found a useful ally in her.

3-E did end up using his membership card to go to the Miyazaki Hotel anyways, but not much was gleaned from those transactions. They used the access card to take the elevator from the lobby to the third floor, then from the third floor to the fourth, then the fourth to the rooftop, and then back down to the second floor. Then they spent almost all his money on food at one of the restaurants, and someone made a gift shop purchase. 

On hindsight, he feels kind of silly expecting something substantial from the card information. It’s not like he was expecting 3-E to book a function room and leave their plans as the booking description. At least he could claim the money spent as school welfare funds (that, he was not lying about to Karasuma-sensei). 

And now his father was breathing down his neck with his “secret relationship”. Which of course does not exist, but Gakushuu wonders how much effort he should dedicate to keep that subplot going. Enough to entertain his father so Gakuhou doesn’t meddle into his other affairs, but not too much so as to dig himself too large a hole. So… he should probably fake texts but not actually start a fake relationship with someone. (He’s also not cruel enough to subject that hypothetical person to Gakuhou’s wrath.)

As if on cue, (is Gakushuu sure the man can’t read thoughts? Oh, hm, probably not, otherwise his cover would be blown much sooner) Gakushuu’s room door bursts open. It’s Gakuhou, notepad in his hand. 

“What are your sexual preferences?!” Gakuhou demands.

“What?! I’m not answering that!” 

Gakuhou glares at him. “I’m creating an assessment of your attraction types.”

Gakushuu crosses his arms. “And why should I tell you? If you know me so well you’d figure it out by yourself!”

“You better hope this relationship doesn’t compromise your other commitments-”

“Given that I’ve been keeping this relationship under wraps and my commitments and grades are well enough not to arouse suspicion, I say I’m doing rather well in that aspect,” Gakushuu crosses his arms. Then he lifts his head and smirks a little. “You better hope that  _ your _ relationship doesn’t compromise  _ your _ -”

Gakuhou slams the door. 

Here’s the thing: people underestimate the power of suggestion. 

Think about all those times you  _ didn’t _ think about something. You didn’t think about that thing because you just never encountered that option, you just never had that thought. But then one day, someone tells you about this thing. “Oh wow, I didn’t know we had bones” or something like that. (Picture yourself as a three year old, learning what bones were.) Now you’re constantly thinking about bones. You look at your arm and think, wow, there are bones in there. 

It’s like… math. Let’s say you have two different variables. These two different variables are variables that don’t interact in math. When you think of variable A, you don’t think of variable B, because they’re simply not related.

But now say you’re in your dad’s middle school class and he taught you a formula that connects variable A and B. Suddenly, they’re related. When you think of variable A, you think of B. The connection has been made, the thought has been processed. 

That’s the power of suggestion - directing someone’s attention to an idea previously not realized. Now it’s at the forefront of their minds. 

Maybe previously, Karasuma-sensei wasn’t even a thought in Gakuhou’s head. Maybe Gakuhou had just… subconsciously thought he was hot. Who knew? But now, Gakushuu has forced him to consciously make the connection. Now, when he thinks of Karasuma-sensei, he would inadvertently think about Gakushuu’s comments about Karasuma-sensei as his romantic partner, and then he’ll think about  _ that _ .

The idiom, out of sight, out of mind? The reverse is also true. Thinking about someone may not necessarily be correlated to attraction, but it’s certainly the precursor for it. After all, you can’t like something without first having to think of it. The longer your mind dwells on something, the more you reflect on it… entertain the thoughts… imagine the potential...

Gakushuu doesn’t have to work to convince Gakuhou to think about Karasuma-sensei. Gakuhou’s mind would do that himself. All he really needed to do was to suggest the first prompt, plant the seed in his head… but of course, further prompting was just for amusement sake.

Perhaps the fake-dating (more specifically, not-dating) scheme works in Gakushuu’s favor as well, because it provides more opportunity for Gakuhou to think about romance. Which, now correlated to Karasuma-sensei…

Well, now Gakushuu had to do the same thing for Karasuma-sensei. Find a way to nudge him into that direction. Luckily, the next school term starts soon. Gakushuu has no doubt that Karasuma-sensei would attempt to find a way to return the membership card without direct interaction with Gakushuu like passing it through Isogai during a meeting or something, so Gakushuu needs to catch him before that happens. Ask him, hey, how was the Okinawa trip? Oh, the weather was really hot? Speaking of things that are hot, what do you think of my dad?

Well, if that failed, Gakushuu figured he had a pretty solid backup plan - Miss Irina Jelavic. (What a wonderful ally he has made in her.) She seemed like one of those people who would randomly ask questions like, “hey, do you think our boss is hot?” And it would be so in-character for her that it wouldn’t arouse any suspicion, but it would serve the exact same purpose. Except the only reservation Gakushuu has is that he won’t be there personally to see Karasuma-sensei’s expression when she says that.

And then his father calls him into his office, and tells him that Kotarou Takebayashi from 3-E would be transferring to 3-A starting from next semester.

Oh, oh,  _ oh _ . This is  _ perfect. _

**Gakushuu: yes a gold mine for information**

**Gakuhou, scribbling in his conspiracy notepad: son looks happy at prospect of Takebayashi transferring to 3A???**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gakushuu stans click for some quality tumblr Gakushuu content   
> Zaina/dreaming-of-assclass who started a thread asking people why they like Gakushuu: [here](https://gwendeeagain.tumblr.com/post/636955940991664128) (click the replies!! Yes I agree with ALL)  
> I replied to the above post as an ask instead of a reblog lmao: [here](https://dreaming-of-assclass.tumblr.com/post/636999945108570112/gwendeeagain-omg-thanks-for-sharing-you)  
> A separate post on why I think Gakushuu is great: [here](https://gwendeeagain.tumblr.com/post/636995933023911936/compelling-characters-and-why-i-like-gakushuu)
> 
> Anyways tell me all about your favs in assclass I would love to hear about them. If they're not Gakushuu it's okay I will still love you


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a pure shameless crack fic and I am going wild with Every Single Possible Dating Trope... you have been warned  
> In this essay I will

**Gakuhou: (looks left, looks right, shuts the door)**

**Takebayashi:**

**Gakuhou: So. You wouldn't happen to be aware. Of my son having any. _Unprofessional... romantic... interactions_... in anyone in your class, would you**

**Takebayashi: n-no**

Gakushuu was right - Karasuma-sensei is going through all lengths to avoid him.

“-thank you,” Takebayashi is saying, and with two hands he is holding out Gakushuu’s Miyazaki Hotels Membership card. “Karasuma-sensei was telling us that you, um, loaned it to us. Uh, thank you again.”

Gakushuu takes his time to survey Takebayashi - a little nervous wreck, facing none other than Gakushuu himself. (Not to blow his own horn, or anything, but Gakushuu knows he’s intimidating. He spent years perfecting his technique. He glares at himself in the bathroom mirror every morning.)

Conversely as with Karasuma-sensei - in order to keep Takebayashi trapped in a conversation with him, Asano deliberately does not take the card back. 

He has two conversation threads to pursue - ask Takebayashi about the 3-E’s secret, or about Karasuma-sensei. He picks the former, because… well he already had Jelavic-sensei on his side for the latter, and he doesn’t actually know what to ask about for that without making it overtly suspicious. 

“Well, I hope your class put the card to good use, then,” Gakushuu says, staring at Takebayashi, who looks ever more awkward.

“Um, yeah, it was great! Thanks!” Takebayashi says.

Gakushuu continues staring, because most people (especially socially awkward people such as poor Takebayashi himself) have a compulsive need to fill a silence. They’ll scrabble to find anything to make a tense atmosphere less awkward, which oftentimes means they’ll contribute more information than they originally meant to, just to find something to say.

“We, uh, got something to eat!” Takebayashi says. Fruitlessly holds out the card again.

Gakushuu continues staring.

“It made it way easier for us to walk around the place, because, you know, we were curious!”

“Curious?” Gakushuu prompts. 

The best type of prompting was minimal, because you wanted them to express what they were thinking to their fullest extent without your influence. See, a common misconception about interrogation is that you had to ask the most specific and spot on questions to figure your target out. That is wrong, because contrary to belief (the belief of one man named Gakuhou Asano, to be specific) one person can never predict all possibilities especially not when the situation is about the unpredictability of human nature, so there is no such thing as a foolproof, un-evadable question. 

But see, interrogation is not answering an essay question, but getting someone to answer your essay question. And what kind of essay questions got the most elaborate, unintentionally genuine answers? 

That’s right - the vaguest questions in existence. 

It’s one of the reasons why leading questions are such a large confounder in court cases. An overly elaborate question can steer an answer in any direction, and it may not be the true, unfiltered answer you are looking for. 

If someone gives you an unsatisfactory answer, and you require a longer reply… there’s no need to wrack your brains for the perfect probing question, really. Just repeat their words back to them but with a questioning tone, which invites them to continue speaking, but in their own words.

“Um, yeah!” Takebayashi blabbers, right into Gakushuu’s waiting claws. “Curious about the, uh, infrastructure! Because it is a very unique building, did you know the stairs are situated randomly around the floors to prevent intruders?”

If all else fails: well, Gakushuu is his father’s son, after all. He can always intimidate people into telling him the truth.

And also, what?

Gakushuu furrows his brow. “Intruders?”

Takebayashi opens his mouth, and closes it again. 

Gakushuu narrows his eyes. “You didn’t break into the hotel, did you?”

Takebayashi is all shades of pale right now. “N-no, of course not!’

“If I get a call from the police department, saying that there are suspicious transactions linked to my card…”

“N-no, Asano! None at all!” Takebayashi shook his head frantically. “We only used your card to buy food - because, um, you told Karasuma-sensei there were credits in there! And to get around the place only, really!”

Gakushuu scowls. “Why would you need an access card to get around!”

“U-uh, well, um, we wanted to take a breather, haha. Just sightsee, around the place. So we just… opened random doors.”

Gakushuu stares.

Takebayashi stares back, fidgeting.

Well that confirmed one thing at least - something relating to 3-E’s secret did actually happen at Miyazaki hotel. But what?

Gakushuu makes a big show of sighing. “Fine. But if I see anything off…”

“None at all!”

Gakushuu hums. “Fine then. Well, about that Karasuma-sensei of yours.”

Takebayashi’s gaze snaps to him. “Huh?”

“I took the liberty of loaning him my card and he didn’t bother giving it back personally,” Gakushuu says, motioning to the card still in Takebayashi’s hands. 

“I assure you he didn’t mean anything by that,” Takebayashi says nervously, bowing. He holds the card out further again, hoping Gakushuu will actually take it this time.

Gakushuu doesn’t. He leans forward and smiles.

Fun fact: in the animal kingdom, a gesture that bares all your sharp sharp hunting slicing teeth is universally considered a threat. It’s a reason you shouldn’t smile at wild animals. Sometime in the mistranslations of human history, the act of pulling your lips back to show off your teeth has somehow been interpreted as, conversely, a gesture of non-aggression instead. How contrary to the laws of nature.

Another fun fact: a surprising number of human instincts persist through years of evolution, such that we still had biological responses to things our ancestors have had, that we no longer require. One such example are our stress responses - the release of adrenaline through stressful situations. Perhaps a few thousand years ago, a stressful situation meant running from a tiger, and so you needed a burst of energy to handle that - these days, stressful situations are examination halls and standardized tests, where there’s not so much use for rapid energy releases. The point was, somewhere up the ancestral line, the baring of teeth was a threat, and the same instinctual response still carried over generations later (which is why you couldn’t cry threateningly, because crying was never meant to be a response of aggression; but smiling threateningly is absolutely within the books, even if it has long been socially accepted for a smile to be amicable.)

“Karasuma-Sensei is just very busy,” Takebayashi blabbers, “very, very busy! He has a lot of, um, class 3-E matters to attend to! Not that I know what those are, now that I’m not in the class anymore. Um. I’m sure I can ask him for when he’s free if you want to!-”

“There’s no need for that,” Gakushuu says, smiling a little (this time, in amusement.) "I was just wondering about what he was up to."

Takebayashi’s gaze snaps to him, suddenly sharper than Gakushuu has ever noticed from him and wow, wasn’t that interesting? “Oh? Why did you ask?”

“You can’t blame me for being curious,” Gakushuu says, and he bares his teeth again, just as a little warning for Takebayahi’s sudden… assertiveness? “The events surrounding 3-E have been… peculiar, as of late, no?”

Takebayashi stiffens. “Like what?” 

“Your midterms results,” Gakushuu says, staring straight at him. “What a marked improvement.”

“Well, Koro-Sensei,” Takebayashi starts. Stops, and his mouth clicks shut.

And then they stare at each other for a tense few seconds.

“Koro-Sensei-”

“Is our main tutor,” Takebayashi says quickly, “Karasuma-Sensei only teaches us. Um. Physical education.”

Gakushuu narrows his eyes. He already knew that from the listings on the school website (Koro-sensei being 3-E's homeroom teacher and Karasuma-sensei being their P-E instructor), but the odd bout of hesitation… there must be more to it than that. “Just physical education?” He drawls. “What is he so busy with then, I wonder?”

“Administration,” Takebayashi grinds out. “Busy with. Admin.” 

“Admin,” Gakushuu repeats flatly.

Takebayashi nods, and he brings up a hand to adjust his glasses.

Gakushuu wants to ask more about Karasuma-sensei. He has many agendas for it. He doesn’t know exactly what to ask, now, because he’s backed them both into a conversation corner like this - because as student council president and the old man’s son, he does know that their dear principal is a stickler for, well, admin. The sheer number of paperwork he goes through a day is insane. And it’s not like Gakushuu can interrogate Takebayashi on the nature of admin work for the purpose of catching him in a slip-up, because Takebayashi shouldn’t know about staff admin matters anyways.

So Gakushuu blurts out the first Karasuma-sensei related thing he has in his mind (and in hindsight, he should have probably just let the conversation thread go.) 

“He wears the same three piece suit set all the time. I hope he doesn’t teach P-E in that, either.”

Takebayashi actually lets out a bark of laughter at that, likely from a mixture of surprise at the turn in conversation, and relief for the lessened interrogation. “He does, actually! He’s surprisingly agile in it.”

Which, huh. “What kind of P-E does he do?” Gakushuu asks. He knows that up on the hill, the 3-E kids get the experience of a different terrain altogether. He’s honestly curious.

“You know, normal stuff,” Takebayashi says. “Um. Running laps. Playing… baseball. Basketball.”

“He must be really fit, huh,” Gakushuu muses.

Wow. And suddenly Gakushuu is thinking of Karasuma-sensei doing sports in a three piece suit, because you know who else does sports in a three piece suit? That’s right, the man by the name of Gakuhou Asano. Wow, that’s… a perfect fit. How surprising.

Takebayashi trips over his own foot.

Gakushuu pauses, staring at him judgmentally. There was nothing to trip over. “What?”

Takebayashi whips around and- his face is red. Why is his face red?

Wait, Gakushuu didn’t say anything out loud, did he?

“Asano!” Takebayashi yells right in his ear, temporarily immobilizing Gakushuu in a very graceless but effective stalling technique. Then, “Sorry for cutting our conversation short, but I remembered I have an emergency to attend to!”

And Gakushuu, still frozen in place from having his eardrums blown out, watches as Takebayashi quite literally sprints away from him. 

Wow, Takebayashi is fast. Gakushuu doesn’t remember him ever being that quick.

Wait, his card!

Oh well. At least he can monopolize than on another opportunity to corner someone else again.

**Takebayashi bursting into 3E in the middle of class even though he's technically supposed to be in 3A right now: I think Asano has a crush on Karasuma-Sensei**

**Irina, suddenly attentive: Which Asano**

**Koro-Sensei: You mean the Principal, right, because I have some theories-**

**Takebayashi: no.**

**3E: w-what do you mean no**

**Takebayashi: Student council president Asano. Kept asking me. Why Karasuma-Sensei wouldn't see him (to return the card). And then asked me more questions about him. And then said he was perfect. And... I think the Principal suspects something too**

**Koro-Sensei: (frantic scribbling)**

**Irina: (losing her mind)**

**3E: ???oh no???**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possible next chapter highlights may or may not probably include:
> 
> Gakushuu: for no reason at all do you happen to have a list of Karasuma-sensei's likes and dislikes  
> Isogai and Kataoka: (in tears) h-here you go
> 
> Irina: I don't think you understand what you have gotten yourself into  
> Gakushuu: Did you call me at 3am just to laugh at me or are you going to tell me what's wrong
> 
> Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk

**Author's Note:**

> You know how people always say "you can feel the (sexual) tension between (two people)"? This is an Attempt at trying to write it.


End file.
